Had a scary moment at the gym today. While doing a set of squats there was an audible crack in knee, the kind of crack that is so loud you don't even realize it's coming from your own body until it's followed by a screaming pain that instantly makes your eyes water. The first thought that went through my head, when I got the bar back on the squat rack was, well that was a fun year. I honestly thought I tore something important in the knee. the second thought that went through my head was, am I actually covered by Obamacare yet? I should really check to see when that kicks in. It's funny how the immediately threat of physical injury can trump anything else that is going through your mind. Extreme pain is the closest thing to meditational empty-mindedness I will ever have. After walking around for five nervous minutes, I realized that nothing was structurally wrong with the knee, and timidly went about the business of doing my run. Can you guessed what happened next? If you guessed that something snapped and I'm writing this post from a hospital bed you would be wrong. After the first five minutes the pain in my knee subsided and I was actually able to run the 1.75 miles without having to cheat the workout. This is all just further evidence that I have absolutely no idea how my body works, and all I can do is pray that it holds together for as long as possible. I used to laugh when older people told me to take advantage of being active when you are young, but now that I am not so young those words are really started to sink in.
Going out tonight for a friends birthday party. After being a bit of a bummer last weekend I am going to try extra hard to be mindful of my surroundings, not to be too judgmental, and try to have a good time. Going to give this a long hard watch before I go out tonight:
I truly envy people who can just go out and have a good time without thinking about every little thing that could go wrong, or more importantly, be able to put off the things that are going wrong while being out. For instance, if someone spill a beer on someone else's shirt tonight it's going to completely ruin my night. I will not be able to get it out of my head that for the person who had beer spilled on them, there night is ruined, making my night ruined. There's this super empathy that I have when in social situations that can make a living hell when I'm around a large group of people.
I also tend to think about all the things that I shouldn't say while I'm out, and what possible issues I should do my best to avoid: politics, religion, health insurance, etc. So I end up just saying a bunch of goofball stuff to make people laugh when I'm out because I'm afraid if I come off to self-serious people will think I'm a bore. Just writing about this kind of stuff is boring, imagine being alone in a room with me. There's a duality to how I act in public that makes me feel absolutely disgusted in myself at the end of a night, and I'm really working hard to just be me, no mater what others may think. Again, for some people this is as easy as breathing, but it's something that I've been battling for years.
I'm going to try my best to put all of that out of mind tonight and just go with where the conversation takes me. This is going to be fun! I'm going to be a totally normal, cheery, fun person to talk to. Who knows, maybe someone will even want to talk about Murakami for awhile. Probably not, but one can dream, right? Odds are there will be a lot of talk about the Super Bowl, and weddings, and peoples kids, and... oh man I feel a nervous breakdown coming on...
I have to go. Before I do though, I want to thank everyone who followed me in on this blog in January. I never thought that after only a month of writing here that I'd have more followers than I do on Twitter. To everyone who has had kind words to say about my writing, bless you. Your encouragement means more than you will ever know. I'm going to try to write more fiction in February, and hopefully spend more time editing the daily posts that go up on the site. I hope everybody has a great Friday night, let's all go out and have a great time, or stay in and make something cool.